Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realized by the end of it that words had been spoken, yet nothing was really said or understood?

There are few things more frustrating than having a conversation with someone only to realize that they weren’t actually listening to a word you said. And before you go and think of all the people you know who are “bad listeners” I want you to stop and think if you yourself are truly above reproach in this area of life. 

Life is busy, there are often times a million different thoughts going through each of our minds that can make it hard to focus in the present moment. While this is understandable, do you ever wonder how much you’ve missed out on because you have been unable to be present? 

Oftentimes the first casualty felt in the midst of preoccupation and stress is the connections we make (or in this case, don’t make) with others. So how can we improve our chances at truly understanding one another in the midst of the chaos of day to day life?

We can learn to be active listeners.

Active listening is defined as “The practice of preparing to listen, observing what verbal and non-verbal messages are being sent, and then providing appropriate feedback for the sake of showing attentiveness to the message being presented.” In short, active listening is a way of listening that makes it clear to the one you are communicating with that you are engaged with them in the conversation. Through listening actively you are improving the mutual understanding that will come from the conversation being had. It means being present in the midst of the conversation and listening not only to respond, but to understand thoroughly.

The goal is to improve the understanding on both sides by listening with intentionality. 

The Benefits of Active Listening

Improved Relationships: The people around you know when you’re really listening. You do too. Everyone can relate to the frustration that comes with feeling as though you aren’t being understood or heard. When you begin to practice listening actively the people around you will take note, even if only subconsciously. When those you care about or work with can tell that you care about what they say their confidence in you as well as a mutual respect is improved. Your kids will want to talk to you more, your employees will feel comfortable and confident coming to you, and your other relationships will benefit as well.

Lowered Stress Levels: Misunderstandings are often times the ground zero for most disagreements. In that same vein, countless mistakes have been made throughout history as a result of misunderstanding as well. That being said, when you make active listening an intention moving forward, you are less likely to feel the stress that comes as a result of misunderstandings. You can fall asleep easier knowing that what was said in the midst of a conversation was received on both ends in the way it was intended to be.

A good leader knows that listening to the people around you is crucial,  the best leaders understand that nodding your head while thinking of a million other things as someone talks isn’t enough, and make it a point to actively listen.

What Does Active Listening Look Like?

In the midst of a conversation, if you want to begin making active listening a practice and habit, one of the first steps froward can be learning to ask questions. Asking questions not only acts as a method to move the conversation forward, but allows you to get the most out of the time you have with the person you are speaking with. You can ask questions to clarify what they’ve said, to learn more, or to make it clear that you are in fact engaged in the conversation being had. Just be careful to not ask too many questions to avoid interrupting them.

Another thing you can do is practice reflecting on what has been said before responding with your thoughts. This can inadvertently make it clear to the person you are speaking with that you are absorbing what they’ve said so that you can give them your real thoughts. Don’t be afraid of those moments of silence as they can often be powerful in helping you to formulate your response thoughtfully.

It’s important first and foremost to ensure that your undivided attention is on the conversation at hand. This can look like putting your phone away or at least face down, turning your physical self to face the other person, and making eye contact.

Life can pass by quickly if you’re merely coasting on top of each moment, active listening can help you to slow down, join the present, and get the most out of the time you have with others.

If you want to be a better leader, parent, and friend, active listening is a great place to start or improve upon. You might just learn something new, who knows.

Lead Well,